you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
