i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
