I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
