I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I AM VODKA MAN
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
