hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
