2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
