Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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