we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
