He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
