I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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