I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
