i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
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Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
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Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize