I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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