if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
