He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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