I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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