apparently the secret to your success is patron
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
