Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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