I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
