he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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