Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
