life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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