i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
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