I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
