So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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