I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
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The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.