I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
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This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
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Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?