Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
