i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
