apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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