So drunk its hurt
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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