life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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