Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
