I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
