my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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