I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
