Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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