Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
