I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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