Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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