someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
