My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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