you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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