Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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