Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
