dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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