Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
