I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
