Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
