I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
