There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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