you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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