That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
