i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
